In the room with Tommy Wiseau

SPOTTED: Katherine Dunn in her Portland Dame, frog throat glory, was found making a sly escape from Coffeetime. Where I, Cereal Man, impatiently awaited the nights arrival of the one and only lost galaxy cult film prophet, Tommy Wiseau. Creator, of THE ROOM.
(It isnt often bloggers that I express sentimentality over an amazing experience. Well I'm about to now)

After saying goodbye to Scottie Hotty at Coffeetime, I moved on to Melt. Where I downed two margaritas. Only to have it result in a non happy but instead, sleepy depressing buzz drunk.

At 7:00 P.M. the line had already begun forming outside Cinema 21. People watching entertainment was provided by a trio of Johnny look-alikes. They carried roses, and tossed a football around.
SPOTTED: The Ryan's. From across the street they made their way to the back of the line. Ryan 1 scoping me out, came to where I stood to make a kind appearance. Sober enough to fall for it but drunk enough to offer them a place with me in line, Ryan 1 scampered away, never to oblige the offer. Careful Ryan 1, graciousness is next to drunkenness.
Behind me stood an adorable father and son. The son resembled a young Rick Moranis, and the father resembled Dr. Drew. The three of us reminisced about our memories from The Room, and the Dr. Drew father gave me a piece of spicy tuna sushi.
Behind them was another couple rivaling the Ryan's, (though heterosexual these two were) named the Ebensteiners.

I realized as the car carrying Tommy Wiseau pulled up in front of the adoring fan line, that I was standing in what could very well be the closest thing Portland has to a red carpet event. Tommy got out of the car and descended straight into the line to shake hands with his reception. Down the line, the three Johnny's played a game of football with Tommy. And making his way back to the front of the line was when my hand was so graciously taken in by the man from an unknown planet.
The line began to form inside the theatre now. And Dr. Drew with his son, took me in and accepted my plea of allowing me to partake in The Room with them. The Ebensteiners sat behind us.
Once inside, a mob was forming in front of Tommy Wiseau. Who stood outside of the auditorium, choosing me one by one out of the angry mob for pictures. Seat selections were vital, so the three of us chose our seats in the middle of the middle of the theatre. With that, I excused myself from them so that I could plunge myself into the angry mob and declare my picture request. With the help of an older lady who somewhat resembled the character of Claudette, my picture was taken with the 8th wanderer of the world. After he so graciously plucked me from audience fan-demonium obscurity with a forward hand gesture. Oh Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.

After what seemed to be a 30 minute picture taking session, and after Mr. Ebensteiner was able to help me find where my seat was after being bathed in darkness, the costume contest began. Hosted by Tommy, and judged by the audience, the first place winner was a girl dressed as a spoon carrying a picture frame. Spoons anyone? Second place was the Lisa look-alike, who got to remain on stage with a very flirtatious Tommy Wiseau during the Q&A.
For the Q&A, a microphone was set up towards the left of the theatre so that audience members could come at their own free will to the microphone and express their thoughts. Without a sobering hint of hesitation I darted to the microphone, and expressed these words:

"I don't really have a question I just came up here to say that, even to this day my favorite line in the film is the one where Claudette makes the announcement to Lisa that she has breast cancer. It's brought me so much joy every time I think about it that if the day ever comes in which I'm diagnosed with a terminal illness, I'm just going to think of her. And thank you so much for bringing so much light into such a dark subject."

After a gracious cheer from the audience, Tommy expressed how much he loved the way I talked and what I had to say, that he invited me to come stand with him on stage.

I stayed onstage for the rest of the Q&A with Tommy and the Lisa look alike. To be chosen by Tommy, to stand next to him, to be apart of his gospel. Dear bloggers, the experience is beyond difficult to reincarnate into words. The Q&A ended and with a two handed handshake from Wiseau, I descended, practically glided, back to my seat.

It was time for the movie to begin. Throughout the film, the audience was in an utmost uproarious uproar. Every time spoons cascaded into the audience it was like a joint orgasmic climax. Spoons serving as the ejaculate. Roars of laughter, from credible to incredible one-liners, orgies upon orgies of giggles. I feel so isolated from the people who were not there to participate in one of the greatest cultural events in Portland's history.

The film ended. Dr. Drew betrothed me as his adopted son. And the Ebensteiners offered to take me home. Did Tommy have something to do with aligning these beautiful people unto me? Perhaps. But I couldn't have been more grateful to have the Ebensteiners take me back to Tonya's rather than having to ride the 14 at 11:00 at night.

Oh dear, wonderful, amazing, Tommy Wiseau. Come back, we need you. You are the reason God created the commandment against false idols. You, are anything but false.